Been a quiet week around here...

After a difficult month it was nice to get back to normal this week. We finally got some snow (now that it's March!) so my sweet boys had fun playing outside. I even managed to give myself a manicure for the first time in a while! Sometimes the simple days are the best days!

You're too Good for Surgery

After many phone calls and a couple sleepless nights word finally came last Tuesday that our insurance company had approved our trip. Wednesday afternoon we headed out for a whirlwind 24 hours in Philadelphia.

We reported to the Children's hospital at 7:15am Thursday morning. After a quick overview of the day with our coordinator our first appointment was a detailed ultrasound which lasted close to 2.5 hrs. Of the two or three we had previously this was certainly the clearest images we had seen of our baby girl so that was a fun way to start the day!

After the ultrasound we met with the genetic counselor. She made a chart of our family history to help determine if there was anything in our families that would increase our risk for any particular condition (there wasn't). By this time it was about 10:45am so we were ready for a break. We had a few minutes to relax before it was time for the MRI. I had never had one before so I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. It was certainly a test of mind over matter. That tube is so tight! For the first few seconds I didn't think I was going to be able to go through with it. Then I just tried to close my eyes as much as possible to keep calm. It lasted about 45 minutes. I certainly would not want to do that again any time soon but it was manageable. I was so happy when they said it was over though!

It was now almost 1pm and we had not had any lunch. We stopped into the convenience store on the 1st floor to pick up a few snacks. Kenny had filled his coat pockets with snacks from home but our supply was dwindling! I was not allowed to eat much before the MRI for fear it would excite the baby and prolong the test....and we do NOT want to prolong the MRI. I even got Kenny in trouble with our "Mom" for the day when she caught him handing me a chocolate chip granola bar. I was just looking at it, I swear! Sorry Kenny ;o) 

Next on the agenda was the ECHO. This ultrasound is a specific look at the baby's heart which lasted about 30-45 mins. You would think that just laying on the table wouldn't be too hard but after hours of testing I was getting antsy. Thankfully we are down to our last two appointments of the day! Our next meeting was definitely the most informational. We sat down with the high risk OB who went over in detail the results of all the tests we had just had. Using a diagram of the body she went from head to toe explaining what issues we know our daughter will most likely have and what issues are still a possibility. The information we were given was consistent with the preliminary testing we had done at home, just a little more in depth. I think it was beneficial to us to have it presented in a head-to-toe manner so that we could envision our daughter as a whole person, and not just the defect we had been focusing on for the last few weeks. She told us that on the Spina Bifida spectrum our daughter is consistently at the mild end. She will most likely have a few manageable issues but will certainly be capable of living a happy and fulfilling life.

Our last meeting of the day was with the Chief of Neurosurgery. One of the first things he said was "well, you're too good for surgery". Our daughter's diagnosis is mild enough that doing fetal surgery is not worth the risk. This is good news! We know that we have done everything we could up to this point. Now we can try to relax and get ready to welcome our baby girl home in a few months! 

There are two key phrases I have learned go hand in hand with Spina Bifida. "Wait and see", and "but this could change". There is not a doctor on the planet that could predict with 100% certainty what our daughter will face in the years to come. We will arm ourselves with as much information as we can with the understanding that we will just have to hope for the best and take whatever comes our way! 

How would you like to pay for that?

Our consultation at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) has been scheduled for over a week now. We are discovering however that it's not always as easy as just making an appointment. We now have to deal with insurance and provider networks and specialists. 

I have heard stories of people being denied transplants and other life saving procedures because insurance would not approve it. Somehow it doesn't seem like it could happen to you though. You assume that after paying hundreds of dollars in premiums every month the benefits will be there when you need them. 

According to the billing coordinator at CHOP our visit will most likely be approved, but not without jumping through a few extra hoops first. We also may not receive that approval until a day or two before. Nothing like waiting until the last minute!

Amnio Results

We finally got a call from the genetic counselor on Wednesday. The amnio showed an elevated AFP level which indicates the lesion is open. This doesn't really tell us a whole lot other than the fact that we need to pursue fetal surgery to prevent any further damage before birth. Next we will be going for a surgery consult at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. They have an intensive program of testing that will give us more information about our daughter's diagnosis and whether we are candidates for the fetal surgery.

It's a girl, do you want to keep her?

Friday morning finally came after an agonizing week of waiting. Kenny and I headed over to the specialist for our level 2 ultrasound. After waiting for more than half an hour we were finally escorted into the room. The ultrasound tech was very friendly pointing out femurs, kidneys and hands as she went. Then as nonchalantly as she pointed out the organs she said "I see girl". I actually almost missed it. I said "you think it's a girl?". It's a girl! We are having a girl! I looked over at Kenny to see the biggest smile on his face. The tech continued her scan as the news settled in. She said she had a few more images to capture and then the doctor would be in. I was certain that at any moment she would be telling us our baby girl was fine and we could go home to celebrate. 

As the doctor walked in the ultrasound tech asked him if he had reviewed our images. He said no. She said "I'm thinking "mening" not "myelo". Instantly I realized we were about to receive bad news. A couple minutes later the doctor looked at me and said very matter of factly "this is a classic meningocele". Our daughter has Spina Bifida. Instantly I was overwhelmed. I reached out for Kenny's hand and tried to understand everything they were saying. I heard words like "defect", "spinal cord", "amniocentesis", and "surgery". The doctor pointed out our daughter's defect on the ultrasound. He told us we would need more tests to understand the severity of her condition. He told us there would be other things to consider like having fetal surgery and whether we wanted to continue the pregnancy. We were told the genetic counselor would come speak to us about our options. A few minutes later the doctor and ultrasound tech left the room to give us a few minutes alone.

As the door closed behind them I unraveled. I wrapped my arms around Kenny and cried from deep in my soul. We felt such joy finding out our baby was a girl. Then just minutes later they were telling us she might not ever come home. There really aren't words to describe how devastating that is. By the time the counselor knocked on the door we were in a state of shock. The tears turned to questions but it was difficult to find words to articulate them. We were told the amniocentesis was optional, and not without risk, but we decided to move forward with it to get more answers. The counselor left the room to set up the procedure. At this point we had been in the office for more than three hours. Kenny was so strong. He looked at me and said "please don't cry, we have to be positive". So through glassy, tear filled eyes I said "I'll try".

After about 15 minutes the ultrasound tech led us back to her room. The doctor came in right after us and quickly began prepping for the amnio. I'm glad it was done so quickly because I would have been really nervous if we had to wait for another day. It really wasn't that bad. Certainly not something I'd like to do again, but not nearly as bad as you think it's going to be when you see the size of that needle. At this point we have to wait for the results of the amnio to decide what to do next. So again we wait...

It could be nothing, but...

Yesterday Kenny and I had our much anticipated 20 week ultrasound. We had been counting down the days for weeks hoping to finally know if we were having a boy or a girl.

After a while I began to notice the ultrasound tech acting flustered. She told us we would have to have another scan because the baby's position was preventing her from getting the necessary images. She also was unable to tell us the sex...which seemed like a big deal at the time. After the ultrasound we went across the hall to wait for our checkup. A few minutes later the doctor told us she saw something on the ultrasound. She told us it could be "nothing" but if it's something this is what it is. She then handed me a post-it with the word "Myelomeningocele" on it. She asked if we had any questions. I was blank. It had never really occurred to me that something would be wrong. It wasn't until we got home that I googled the word and realized our baby could have Spina Bifida. In one minute I went from thinking that not knowing the baby's sex was our biggest problem, to wondering if s/he would ever walk. Devastated is not a big enough word for the pain I was feeling.

Our doctor told us to wait for a phone call from the specialist. She told us we would go in for a level two ultrasound ASAP. In my mind I thought they would call any minute and we'd be out the door. No such luck. It was more than 24 hours before the office called. Your appt is Jan. 27th she said. Jan 27th?! It might as well have been Oct. 27th. How can I wait another seven days not knowing if our baby is OK?! Unfortunately we don't get to decide, so we wait...

My first paycheck!

I got my first paycheck today! I was so excited I actually took this picture of myself in my little cubicle at work. It feels great! One of the scariest parts of getting divorced was the fact that I had been a stay at home Mom for four years. Trying to find a job that would support a home for Noah and I was incredibly nerve-wracking. Today I feel an incredible sense of accomplishment! 

Me? Oh I work for the State.

I got a job! With the State of New York. That's crazy. Well that part isn't crazy, it's more about what it represents. A full time job has been the last step to moving forward with the divorce and moving forward as a single Mama. The single part I'm OK with. The not seeing my son everyday, not so much. Not only am I not OK with it, it actually takes quite a bit of effort not to become paralyzed by the mere thought of it. After being home with my Goose everyday for almost four years just sending him to preschool in September was a monumental task. Fortunately he LOVES school. I know he is ready, and I know he loves being with all the other kids. I just miss him. I am so lucky I was able to find a 9-5 job that will work with his schedule!

So long 2009, Hello 2010!

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become." ~Unknown

It was a little harder to let go of 2009 then I thought it would be. The new year brings a clean slate that is fresh and exciting, but it is also completely unknown and a bit scary. It is difficult to say goodbye to what was normal, even the things that weren't working. That's why I love this quote. I think all too often we hold onto what is comfortable even when it's not the best thing for us. Daring to let go, to surrender, creates the possibility for so much more.

In 2010 I resolve to surrender to change, surrender to hope, and surrender to possibility.

We all scream for ice cream!

Throughout the entire summer we have heard the distinct sound of the ice cream truck jingling by. Noah routinely runs to the window or down the driveway to watch it drive by. In all that time however I do not think he ever wondered what the purpose of the ice cream truck actually was. Last night when we heard the truck Mike suggested we go over and get something. So we all took off down the driveway and as we got closer Noah just stood there looking stoically at the man in the side window.

He was completely speechless. I asked him what he wanted and he just stood there as if I was speaking a foreign language. It was actually hilarious because we could tell he was trying so hard to figure out what this all meant. You mean the truck brings ice cream to your house? And then you can eat it right there? His mind was boggled.

I picked out a SpongeBob pop because I knew he would recognize the character. I thought Noah was finally adjusting to the whole ice cream truck thing until the driver piped in. "You better hurry up and eat that before he (SpongeBob) eats you." Wow. I don't suppose there's any sort of formal training for his position is there?

As it turns out SpongeBob was made from fruit punch and cotton candy sherbet. It actually tasted worse than you can imagine so Noah ended up eating most of my Chipwich instead. Now those are good!

What's in a name?

It occured to me this morning that perhaps I have too many nicknames for Noah. As we were getting into the car I said "I love you my little peanut!". Noah quickly corrected me proclaiming "Mama I'm not a peanut, I'm a muffin!". Poor boy.

So I better get them all down on "paper" so that when he's 16 and won't let me call him Goose I'll remember the good 'ole days!

Goose, Goose da Boose, Butter Bean, Beany Beans, Beans, Love Muffin, Peanut, Gooby Goo, Honey Bunny, Biscuit, Bisky Bisque...I am sure there are more but that's all I can think of!

What's in a name?

When I got married I happily took on my husband's last name. I loved being a "Mrs." and proudly placed it before my name whenever I had the option. Now I realize that soon I will no longer be Mrs. Solt. I am not quite sure how I feel about that. I am sure there is a deeper issue here associated with the fact that I gave up my maiden name in the first place; but it feels unfair that I have to give up my name and my husband doesn't. I think I feel more strongly about this because of Noah. Resuming my maiden name will mean that we will no longer carry that bond. I will be a Massaro and he will be a Solt. I know that speaks nothing of our actual bond but it still feels important nonetheless. We will no longer be The Solt Family. I just think that is sad.

Update

Update to the Update....

After posting this announcement it was quickly realized that it was a mistake. We did get married for a reason but I am not sure if we will ever know if it was a good reason. Love is blind; it's also blinding sometimes. Mike and I love eachother. But we don't make eachother happy. I don't think we ever did. That is not a fun thing to admit but it's the truth. If it seems like I don't have all the answers well I actually don't have any of the answers! I just keep plugging away hoping I will get things right eventually. So the journey to a new normal continues....

---------------------------------------------

After a lot of talking and a couple of extremely stressful weeks, Mike and I have decided to cancel our seperation. We did get married quickly. It probably was too quick. But that will never change the fact that we did get married for a reason.

We would like to be healthier physically, emotionally, & financially. We have a lot of work to do but we are now one step closer to reaching those goals together.

Hopefully one day this will just have a bump in the road along our journey. For now we are going to take it one day at a time. And just for the record this is one decision that was not made for love of the boy. This one was made "all because two people fell in love".

There just may be a happy ending to our love story after all...

Moving on...well sort of.

Today was a tough day.

We got the keys to the new house and started the arduous task of moving in. The place we have lived for the last two years is a 2nd floor duplex. We actually really liked the space itself but hated parking on the street and not having a yard for Noah to play in. The new house has a big backyard and a beautiful deck for our bbq. Our bbq. Can I even call it that anymore?

I'm so mad.

I'm mad at Mike for not wanting the same things as me. I'm mad at myself for not taking more time to get to know him before we got married. What if this was it? What if this was my one shot to get it right and I blew it? What if Noah hates me for not trying harder to keep his parents together?

I'm so scared.

For Love of His Boy

That is really what all of this is about. The Love of The Boy.

Seven plus years is a long time to spend not knowing what you want in life. Not knowing how to deal with life. It is a long time to love someone, knowing that you are not what they need you to be.

There is no doubt in my mind that I love Marianne, she is everything anyone could ever want in a friend, wife and mother. It is of no fault of her's that this situation has come to be. She gave me a beautiful little boy, someone who I cannot think about without wondering how I got so lucky. He is me. My little man, my buddy.

I can't look back at my past and want it to be any different. I can't say I would not want to take the path that I did, because that would be a life without Noah. I don't ever want that life.

Marianne and I will be fine, and we want to ensure that Noah will have the greatest life possible. We want him to know that he has a loving family, despite any issues or complication that are a part of that. We need him to know that he is loved. That everything is OK. That his parents will always be there for him.

This is a new page in both of our lives. We still love one another and that will never change.

Clarity

Over the last few days I have been doing a lot of thinking. Saturday all I could think of was how sad I was and how much I was about to lose. The more time that passes though I realize that this is what we both wanted. I just wasn't willing to admit it. We got married too fast. That is a fact. After dating for just 10 weeks we did not know each other. Over the last eight years I have convinced myself that I was happily married and madly in love. When in reality I was madly in love with the idea of being happily married. I didn't want to be a failure. I kept thinking that if Mike could only do x,y,z... we would be so happy.

I get it now.

I am so sorry for all of the "why can't you just...", and "why don't you...". It was never your job to be x,y,z if it didn't make you happy.

An Absence of Antagonism

In 9 days we are moving. The 3 of us. Together. Is that weird? It was decided weeks ago. Now everything has changed. We are going to live together for atleast a few more months, primarily because we are not financially ready to seperate. It will give me time to find a job and for us to start changing bills and opening new bank accounts and all the little things no one ever wants to have to deal with.

Will it be difficult? Definitely. Will it help Noah adjust to Mommy and Daddy in two different bedrooms. I think so. Is it just delaying the inevitable day when he moves out. Unfortunately.

Websters defines amicable as exhibiting goodwill and an absence of antagonism. I can do this. I will be fine....repeat after me....I can do this. I will be fine....I can do this. I will be fine....

Does divorce have to be ugly?

I don't think so. Neither does my husband.

Let's be clear. I am not happy about this. I love my husband. I am in-love with my husband. But my husband is not in-love with me. That sucks. That really sucks. It's not my fault. But it's not really his fault either. He tried to tell me 100 times. I wouldn't couldn't listen.

Yesterday was a terrible day. TERRIBLE. By the time I laid my head down last night my eyes were practically swollen shut. I kept thinking about all the memories. All the never-wills and mighta-beens. I thought about the questions the boy would ask and if I would ever have all the right answers. I thought about living alone. Finding a full time job after being a stay at home Mom for almost four years. I quickly went from heartbroken to terrified. How would I ever be able to get through this? I didn't have a clue.

This morning I woke up with a peace in my heart. I realize I now have a choice to make. I went out to the living room to find Mike asleep on the couch for the second night now. As he opened his eyes I told him I thought I would be ok. That I was ready to try and move forward and do whatever we need to do.

I'm ready to be friends*.

*By friends I mean I am ready to resist the urge to throw my arms around you everytime you walk into the room.

The "D" word.

Today my husband and I decided to get a divorce. The big "D". Man that is such an ugly word. I am not proud of it. But it is reality. Now I am here for love of the boy. Our boy. At just 3½ years old he has so many years ahead of him. I want him to know that everything we do is for him. Everything is going to change for his Dad and I. Our job is to make sure nothing as little as possible changes in his life.

Can a couple make the switch from married to just friends? This is the first day of our journey...

Uncle Mikey, he's our man...

Noah: Mama, why is the car shaking?
Me: I think there is something wrong with it, we need to get it fixed. It's ok though.
Noah: Oh ok. Uncle Mikey will fix it with a screwdriver.

2 minutes later....

Noah: Look! Animals! I never saw animals before.
Me: (laughing) Yes you have seen animals before.
Noah: Oh. You're right! I'm so silly Mama.