It's a girl, do you want to keep her?

Friday morning finally came after an agonizing week of waiting. Kenny and I headed over to the specialist for our level 2 ultrasound. After waiting for more than half an hour we were finally escorted into the room. The ultrasound tech was very friendly pointing out femurs, kidneys and hands as she went. Then as nonchalantly as she pointed out the organs she said "I see girl". I actually almost missed it. I said "you think it's a girl?". It's a girl! We are having a girl! I looked over at Kenny to see the biggest smile on his face. The tech continued her scan as the news settled in. She said she had a few more images to capture and then the doctor would be in. I was certain that at any moment she would be telling us our baby girl was fine and we could go home to celebrate. 

As the doctor walked in the ultrasound tech asked him if he had reviewed our images. He said no. She said "I'm thinking "mening" not "myelo". Instantly I realized we were about to receive bad news. A couple minutes later the doctor looked at me and said very matter of factly "this is a classic meningocele". Our daughter has Spina Bifida. Instantly I was overwhelmed. I reached out for Kenny's hand and tried to understand everything they were saying. I heard words like "defect", "spinal cord", "amniocentesis", and "surgery". The doctor pointed out our daughter's defect on the ultrasound. He told us we would need more tests to understand the severity of her condition. He told us there would be other things to consider like having fetal surgery and whether we wanted to continue the pregnancy. We were told the genetic counselor would come speak to us about our options. A few minutes later the doctor and ultrasound tech left the room to give us a few minutes alone.

As the door closed behind them I unraveled. I wrapped my arms around Kenny and cried from deep in my soul. We felt such joy finding out our baby was a girl. Then just minutes later they were telling us she might not ever come home. There really aren't words to describe how devastating that is. By the time the counselor knocked on the door we were in a state of shock. The tears turned to questions but it was difficult to find words to articulate them. We were told the amniocentesis was optional, and not without risk, but we decided to move forward with it to get more answers. The counselor left the room to set up the procedure. At this point we had been in the office for more than three hours. Kenny was so strong. He looked at me and said "please don't cry, we have to be positive". So through glassy, tear filled eyes I said "I'll try".

After about 15 minutes the ultrasound tech led us back to her room. The doctor came in right after us and quickly began prepping for the amnio. I'm glad it was done so quickly because I would have been really nervous if we had to wait for another day. It really wasn't that bad. Certainly not something I'd like to do again, but not nearly as bad as you think it's going to be when you see the size of that needle. At this point we have to wait for the results of the amnio to decide what to do next. So again we wait...

It could be nothing, but...

Yesterday Kenny and I had our much anticipated 20 week ultrasound. We had been counting down the days for weeks hoping to finally know if we were having a boy or a girl.

After a while I began to notice the ultrasound tech acting flustered. She told us we would have to have another scan because the baby's position was preventing her from getting the necessary images. She also was unable to tell us the sex...which seemed like a big deal at the time. After the ultrasound we went across the hall to wait for our checkup. A few minutes later the doctor told us she saw something on the ultrasound. She told us it could be "nothing" but if it's something this is what it is. She then handed me a post-it with the word "Myelomeningocele" on it. She asked if we had any questions. I was blank. It had never really occurred to me that something would be wrong. It wasn't until we got home that I googled the word and realized our baby could have Spina Bifida. In one minute I went from thinking that not knowing the baby's sex was our biggest problem, to wondering if s/he would ever walk. Devastated is not a big enough word for the pain I was feeling.

Our doctor told us to wait for a phone call from the specialist. She told us we would go in for a level two ultrasound ASAP. In my mind I thought they would call any minute and we'd be out the door. No such luck. It was more than 24 hours before the office called. Your appt is Jan. 27th she said. Jan 27th?! It might as well have been Oct. 27th. How can I wait another seven days not knowing if our baby is OK?! Unfortunately we don't get to decide, so we wait...